I was about to start this post off by saying that I don't normally write about topics such as this, but then I realized that I haven't ever really kept this blog stuck into one topic or another. Spontaneity is definitely in my title for a reason - my thoughts tend to be all over the place and, thus, my blog posts will follow. Fair warning, though: this post is going to be a lot more close to my heart than usual and just might not be everyone's cup of tea.
I had really been struggling recently with feelings of loneliness and, for
the longest time, I couldn't get to the root of it. I love my alone
time, so I've never really experienced a lot of (or even real) loneliness -
I usually revel in that time away from others and those rare times
when I feel lonely is more me missing someone rather than wishing simply anyone were around. Lately, though… That
loneliness was there and it was very real. As my introspective self does, I
began to reflect. No, I wasn’t feeling this way because most of my closest
friends do not live near me at the moment. No, I wasn’t feeling this way
because my boyfriend was quite busy. No, I wasn’t feeling this way because I
had simply “had my fill” of alone time for a while. These thoughts all crossed
my mind, but I knew it was none of these because I was still surrounded by people
and, for the most part, life was the same as always.
It was none of these things, yet nothing else made sense. It had to be one,
or all of them, didn’t it?! So, I filled my time. Or tried to at least. Ironically
enough, in trying to fill my time I felt more aware of my loneliness and my
failed attempt to alleviate it. In searching for things to do and people to
fill my time with, I came up on so many closed doors. People were busy, places
were closed, and I was left to be alone with myself. I did manage to connect
with some friends that I hadn’t been able to see in a while (which was
absolutely wonderful), but I would leave them, and the joy and love and
friendship that I had experienced in those few hours together wouldn’t hold up
against being alone. I had hoped that it would at least tide me over until my
next social encounter, but the moment I was alone again the loneliness weighed
on me, sometimes even heavier than before I had met up with my friend.
What was this? Why was I feeling this way? It was all so foreign to me that
I almost felt afraid. And then I realized: I needed to stop trying to figure it
out and just let it be. Let myself be lonely. Live in it. Feel it. Rest in God who makes all things work
together for my good. Maybe I didn’t know why I was feeling lonely when I never had
before, but God sure did. He drew me in, closer and closer to Him until I
remembered that it is in Him alone that I will feel complete and full and not lonely. I prayed. I watched movies.
I made friendship bracelets just like when I was eight. I went to adoration. I
cleaned my house. I took naps. I prayed a novena. I let my friends and family know
that I cared about them through text, email, phone calls, and letters. I talked
with God. I let Him know I cared about Him, too. I felt lonely the whole time. But I felt safe in my loneliness. At the
end of the day, when I placed my head on my pillow to sleep, I didn’t know if
it would be any different the next day, but that was OK. God was working in my
heart in ways that I wasn’t to know yet, and it was so. good.